Look – sometimes I just don’t wanna write about weddings. Or love. Or relationships. Or what I like to call “lovelationships.” Last night, I went up to my friend John’s house – he of the cinema room in his basement with HD projector and a 9-foot screen – and Jessica made a rare appearance as well, since she’s on vacation. Joining us were everyone’s favorite cousins Chris and Julien, and we watched Shutter Island which really should be called Shudder Island because it’s pretty disturbing. At first the movie was playing really choppily so we called it Stutter Island, but then John fixed something and so then it was Butter Island, as in Smooth As.

This is our idea of humor.

Anyway, as Julien was telling us about some of the movie ideas he and Andrew had been concocting – including a “reverse Good Will Hunting” called Bad Won’t Gathering – it reminded me of a little project we dreamed up when Drew, Julien, Andrew and I lived under the same roof and discussed ridiculous ideas on an hourly basis. I managed to dig it up from my computer files, and it is with great excitement and trepidation – and not an insignificant amount of giggly shame – that I present to you the film treatment for:


[PS – as Jessica was preparing to take a shower, she popped her head out of the bathroom to ask me something, and noticed what I was typing. Her voice dripping with friendly condescension, she asked, “Oh boy… you’re not writing about Twinnery, are you?” to which I replied, “you bet I am, baby!”

I’m thinking perhaps of calling any non-wedding related post a Twinnery, by the way.]

Scarlett Johanssen and Sarah Silverman are sassy, sexy twins (or are they?) fighting over twins Sylvester Stallone and Matt Damon in… TWINNERY!

In a world plentiful with shag carpets, plastics surgery and all things twin comes a tale of twins and twins and more twins. Twins who look almost nothing alike. Twins who look very much alike. Twins with matching tattoos, even. Twins in a world of twins, where logic doesn’t go much farther than 1 + 1 = twins.

Most people get plastic surgery to look more and more twinnish with their twins, but that’s the last thing Scarlett and Sarah want. They couldn’t be more different— from looks to personality to lasciviousness.

But when they both fall for the same twin (Matt Damon), the heat gets turned up… until they find out that his twin is Sylvester Stallone. Then the heat gets turned down. But then it gets turned back up again when the lying, deception and usual shenanigans of your typical romantic comedy/thriller get doubled!

With Glenn Close and Merryl Streep as Scarlett’s twin mothers, who end up merging into one monstrous GleenClose/MerrylStreep two-headed beast – the villain in the film. Also Starring Rick Moranis and Rick Moranis as the twin fathers of Matt and Sly.

ScarJo and Sarah Silverman compete against each other on reality TV show America’s Next Top Twin, while Matty D and Sly are on Project Snake Eyes— Making of the Perfect Twins (a cross between Project Runway and American Chopper.)

It’s a parable in the World of Twin, populated by such realistic duplicates of your favorite celebrities that you’d swear you were watching computer-controlled puppets, digital skins animated to romantic and comic perfection by dorks, weirdos and computer nerds. Which is true!



6 responses to “TWINNERY!

  1. “Hilarity and thrills ensue as you’re taken on a wild ride into a world of twins and spins where the women are easy on the eye and the men are just, well, easy.”
    -Angie, One Cat Per Person

    No idea where that came from. But seriously, Twinnery sounds like a masterpiece.

    p.s. Josh’s cousin dated Rick Moranis and said he was a huge arse. Kinda ruins Little Giants for me.

    • HAHA! Ruins Little Giants…that one caught me off guard, Angie. It’s like the time I asked what a professor’s wife looked like and another student answered, “She looks like the lady who killed Selena.” Offbeat references kick my ass daily.

  2. LOL over and over again!

  3. I wish you could have seen Isaiah and I reading this post. He was squashing me sitting on top of me and we were dying laughing while I read it out loud in the most dramatic, movie-voice ever. I love that it’s a serious movie, not a parody. Those should be the new parodies…because, is anyone else over Date Movie, Epic Movie, Love Movie, Rape Movie…wait….Rape Movie? I got ahead of myself, that’s next summer.

    GREAT post, you are hilarious.

    • OMG, Lizzie. I just read another one of Bret’s post outloud to Josh! Haha!

    • Oh, it’s serious as a heart attack.

      Thanks for all the kind words! When the movie gets made, which I’m sure it will, I’ll be sure to thank you guys in the credits.

      I really like the idea of people I’ve never met in various cities reading my blog out loud. That just tickles me.

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