Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’ Was The Original Pop Tart

I’m really sorry for that title. It’s terrible.

One of my all-time favorite Simpsons moments is in an episode called “Lard of the Dance,” in which Marge makes Lisa some homemade Pepsi to take to a school dance. Offering forth two jugs of dark brown slurry, she says: “It’s a little thick, but the price is right!” It’s so funny because: who makes homemade Pepsi?!!?! I love that part.

I had a similar sort of reaction to Jessica’s latest brilliant idea, which I’ll get to in a second. I’ll start by saying that part of my, shall we say, awakening as a cook and baker is that the act of making things that I usually buy is one of the more satisfying things I’ve started doing as an adult. Bread, yogurt, butter, ice cream, crackers, tortillas, pizza, and so forth – they taste better, are cheaper, and are incredibly satisfying. Usually. When you don’t make a crucial mistake with the ingredients. Plus, they’re fun to make, and they impress the pants off of your friends, which is especially important at a Pants-Optional Party.*

*[Wait a minute: PANTS-OPTIONAL WEDDING?!]

Which brings me to: HOMEMADE POP TARTS! You all remember Pop Tarts – those “breakfast foods” you pop in the toaster before eating. I didn’t eat them as a kid, but once I got to college, all bets were off. At some point along the line Kellogg’s decided they weren’t unhealthy enough, so they added a glazed sugar coating to some of them, and by that point, we were all just putty in their hands. Glazed putty. They became a favorite midnight snack, and they never once saw the inside of a toaster, because frankly, who wanted to increase the time between opening a package and eating a Pop Tart? Not me. Not anyone I knew. Not anyone I ever hope to know.

In any case, when Jessica sent me this, I thought to myself, “say whaaaa?!” Actually, what she specifically said, as a non sequitur in the middle of a gchat, was: “Please pause for an important message from JB wedding inc: WHAT IF WE DID THIS FOR OUR WEDDING SOME HOW!” Then we went through the rigorous Bret/Jessica Decision-Making Process (the BJDMP, henceforth), which involves one of us suggesting a delightful idea and the other person proclaiming it to be a genius idea, followed by mutual back-patting and hearty congratulations all around. It took us precisely 2 seconds to decide we wanted to perhaps have homemade Pop Tarts as favors at our wedding. We will most certainly be making a test batch or two and seeing how well they keep.

It turns out there is a whole Internet culture around homemade things like Pop Tars, including peanut butter cups, Snickers, Egg McMuffins, and even big-ass Pop Tarts, which are like Pop Tars but with bigger asses.

In any case, I imagine it would be pretty exciting to grab a bag of favors as you’re leaving the wedding and find a homemade pop tart in there. You could save it for when you’re near a toaster, or you could even just wolf it down right then and there. Who are we to judge?

No one.


3 responses to “Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’ Was The Original Pop Tart

  1. Pingback: Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' Was The Original Pop Tart « All … | Celeb Trends

  2. These pop tart recollections sound like some revisionist history. I distinctly remember microwaving pop tarts because we didn’t have a toaster. We didn’t eat them raw, we weren’t savages.

  3. Holy crap, you’re right. I forgot that. Although when I was alone, I never had the patience for any of that.

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