I went to vegas this weekend, for a bachelor party. I will tell you all about it very soon. It was kind of nuts. But for the moment I will simply present to you excerpts from A Bret & Jessica evening.
[EDIT: It was not actually The Way To Cook, but rather, Mastering The Art Of French Cooking. I will not be changing the picture to the left <–]
“Oh my gosh, there’s a whole chapter on the mayonnaise family!” she exclaimed.
“That’s a nice family,” I said. “They have that kid, what’s his name… Jeremy?”
“Yeah, Li’l Jeremy Mayonnaise, from down the street.”
“I mean,” Jessica began, “you’re supposed to serve this stew with like roasted red potatoes and butter peas. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”
“OK, don’t take this the wrong way – I mean seriously, don’t be offended by this because you know that I am going to love it,” I said with the stew in the microwave.
“What? What is it?” she said, apprehensively.
“The beef stew – in its refrigerated state – looks a little like…”
I sighed. Then I said “dog food” while Jessica simultaneously said “ewwwww!”
“Wait,” I said, “did you think I was going to say… like… poop?”
“Or vomit,” she answered.
I was finishing my bowl. “What’s that recipe where you stick a duck up a turkey or something like that?” I asked.
“Ooooh yeah,” Jessica replied, immersed in the book. “We should make some of these. Chicken breasts cooked in butter; sauteed ham slices with cream and madera sauce; frozen artichoke hearts!? Broiled mushrooms caps! Paté baked in a crust! These are all in French but I’m reading them in English.”
“How are you doing that?”
“It’s also in English.”
She kept leafing through. “Boned, stuffed duck baked in a pastry crust!”
I perked up. “Is that the crazy, famous one?”
Then it struck me. “Wait a minute,” I said, “that is like a crazy tongue-twister! Boned, stuffed duck baked in a pastry crust. Try that.”
Instead, she kept reading aloud. “You may think that boning a fowl is an impossible feat if you have never seen it done, or thought of attempting it. Although the procedure may take 45 minutes the first time because of fright, it can be accomplished in not much more than 20 on your second and third try.”
“First of all I have never once thought about ‘boning a fowl,’ and second, seriously, isn’t that the best tongue twister? Try it!” I demanded. She tried, and couldn’t even get through it once.
“I told you!”
“It’s impossible,” she said with dramatic flair and a raised fist.
“Third of all,” I added a little late, “I don’t experience ‘fright’ when I cook.”
“Sure baby” she said.